Fleur De Los

Would you look at that fucking thing? It’s huge. It’s big and it’s bulky. The keys are made out of rubber and I’m not so sure you can even store numbers in there. This is from back in the day, when if you wanted to call someone, you had to actually remember their number. Do you remember that? Ah, memories. I bet it even has a green-and-black LED display. And there’s no way that’s fitting in your pocket. Hell, it might even fit on a belt clip. That thing is so retro.

Beautiful, ain’t it?

I could give a shit about phones today, really. That’s not going to stop me from drooling over the next big thing with a touch screen (that’s what she said). But seriously, fuck new technology. iPhones are “mobile computer that [people] occasionally use to make crappy phone calls” and every other phone just wants to be an “iPhone killer” (except for the Blackberry Storm, which seems pretty content being a fancy-looking plastic shit brick). I’ve had a Google G1 and, for all the wonder of being able to play silly games and using it as a level or currency converter, I’ve already broken the touch screen. Twice. $140 to fix.

I bet that phone up there could be used as a small projectile and still make phone calls after. I bet you can use it ward away thieves or to knock-out unsuspecting guards on the way to your nemesis’ secret lair. That thing is rugged.

It started with predictive games like worm and Pac-man. That shit seemed fun at the time, but it’d kill the battery too quickly for you to enjoy them. But then it got complicated with voice activated dialing, which no one I know uses, and then predictive text. There’s nothing worse with predictive text. My first phone to have it was the “Razor”. It would predict that I meant to type “idiosyncratic” — because that’s such a commonly texted word — when I just wanted to call someone an “idiot”. My current phone tries to complete the word “still” by combing it with the word “born.” Believe me, that’s something you want to tell someone in person - or at least with words coming out of your mouth.

Phones today can Twitter and Facebook and be an internet radio and tell jokes and be a mirror and surf the Web and take up your time in a million different ways. People debate whether it’s OK to go down to your phone and start texting while someone is trying to hold a conversation with you. It’s not OK. It’s OK to text people when you’re alone. It’s OK to play games when you’re, say, waiting for your plane to board or stuck in line at the Post Office. It’s not OK to keep flipping your phone (especially if “flipping” involves some sort of “clacking” noise) when you’re at dinner or talking to friends or while you’re supposed to be driving. Why? Aside from it making you look like an inconsiderate, reckless douche bag? Because life is what goes on around you, not in that shiny little device in your hands.

That big hunk of plastic up there? All it could do was make phone calls. Once you made a phone call, you’d hang up. If you didn’t have someone else to call, that was it, no more cell phone for you. You had to talk to interact with people face to face. I heard (or may have just made up that) you can open garage doors with your phones. We’re putting garage door opener companies out of business. And what happens if you lose your phone? Well I guess you can’t talk to anybody and you can’t get into your house. Oh yea, good luck tweeting that without your phone.

You can watch movies on your phone now, too. Because why watch “The Dark Knight” — which was shot with the biggest fucking cameras in the world, by the way — on bigger than a 2 1/2″ x 4″ screen? People (none that I know, but I can assume) say that it’s good for watching movies on a plane. Last I checked, airlines took care of that long ago? Don’t like the in flight movie? Use your laptop. That has an actual screen built in. Seriously, check it out.

Some people like having everything in their life in the palm of their hand. To them I say, your life is devoid of substance. People don’t fit in phones and neither do pets nor emotions nor everything that makes us whole as human beings. You think because you got the latest hot shit your life is going to suck any less? Your relationships are going to get more meaningful? You’re not going to be as lonely and insecure? No. You get that shit by turning off your phone (or putting it on vibrate for important calls, I admit those tend to happen) and actively participating in the world you live in.