Fleur De Los

As much as it hurts me to write, I know people, many of whom I call friends, that voluntarily paid money to see Transformers 2. I have not. I didn’t pay to see the first Transformers, either (I borrowed my friend’s DVD) but still regret seeing it. That’s why, even if a free opportunity presents itself, I will not now, nor ever, see Transformers 2. Same will likely go with any Michael Bay movie that comes out.

Now this could be a semi-sophisticated rant on why I’ll never watch Transformers 2, but I just don’t feel that’s enough. And while enough people have already seen this movie to make it a legitimate summer blockbuster, I’ll still pose the argument that no one should see it. Ever. Stupidity and the lowest common denominator shouldn’t be rewarded with millions of dollars. Plain and simple.

Now, as I’ve said, I have not seen this movie, so much of what I’m about to say relies on speculation, reviews of the film and this handy FAQ. Forgive me if I make any inaccurate statements about the plot (if you could consider this movie’s progression a plot) but don’t let it distract you from the essence of what I’m saying — of which I have such great conviction as to put in writing on the internet for potentially dozens of people to ignore.

My first point has to do with everything the first Transformers and, as far as I can tell, its sequel lack: plot and good writing. As a writer myself, I take offense when someone like Michael Bay (who apparently has no use for even the most basic writing tools like spell check) gets paid millions and millions of dollars for confusing explosions for plot devices and storyline. Bad writing - whether it be a screenplay, a speech or book - makes people stupid. Why? Because people who pay money to watch a movie or read a book are under the assumption that the people that wrote these works know what they’re doing. After all, how is it that they’re making a living at writing if they were bad at it? So people pay money to see a movie like Transformers and take the completely backwards story as something that could be considered plot. This is a problem.

Moreover, think of all the good, smart, hard working people that don’t have a fraction of the money thrown at Michael Bay. I’m not saying that Michael bay is a bad person or stupid or doesn’t work hard. Surely he could be none of those things - or all of them - but that’s certainly not reflected in his most recent films. No, his most recent films suggest that he likes to touch himself in the editing room as he watches explosion after explosion consume the screen. When writing a script, Bay is not thinking of how to drive a story or keep audiences on their toes, he’s just progressing characters between settings and fireballs. If Michael Bay had directed Apollo 13, no doubt he would’ve blown up the fucking moon.

“But this is a summer blockbuster,” you may say. “Summer blockbusters are supposed to be stupid, mindless exercises.” To you I say, not all summer blockbusters are equal. Think Black Knight, Live Free or Die Hard, or comedies like Ricky Bobby. I film can be pure visceral fun, something to “turn your brain off” but that doesn’t give a director the right to treat you like a complete idiot. Good summer movies draw you in to fantasy worlds and slowly turn your brain off, allowing you to adapt to the fantastical world in front of you so as to make you emotionally invested in the film. You have to be willing to accept the fantasy but the writer/director/actors have to make that fantasy plausible. Apparently Bay and the rest of the Transformers cast and crew just skipped over that when putting this movie together. They said “fuck it” so I say “fuck you”.

And it’s all a shame because Transformers used to be the shit. It was always meant for marketing toys, but what children’s program wasn’t? Ren & Stimpy DVDs come with a “mature audience” warning but the show used to air on Sunday mornings and weekday afternoons on Nickelodeon because of the marketing. Everything is marketable if you do it right. The original Transformers movie killed Optimus Prime in the first act. That takes balls. Optimus is by far the most popular and well-liked Autobot. Killing him shows that the writer of the original Transformers movie respected his audience enough to think that they could handle seeing their favorite character dead before they’ve settled in their seats. By contrast, Bay kills two characters - Optimus and Shia LaBeouf - in his latest rendition and resurrects them. Two main characters being killed and almost immediately resurrected in the same movies is not good writing, it’s a lazy ploy to keep people in their seats.

And yet, people do. One explanation is that Megan Fox is hot. We all know this and so long as she’s in a movie running in slow motion it will make millions of dollars. Same goes with every really, really hot girl. That’s fine. But why waste $10 or more to watch her run around aimlessly in white jeans when there are so many other places you can find incredibly hot pictures or videos of her? Like paying for porn in the free-streaming-internet days, it defies explanation.

Another explanation is the people don’t think much of themselves and that is a fucking shame. So you see trailers for the next big explosion movie of the summer and think, “Oh, that has big fireballs and a girl with great tits and giant, killer robots, it HAS to be good.” Forget if actually is good or if it makes you think or if it actually entertains you like a great film should. Forget whether or not the director knows how to spell or if any of the actors even give a shit because they’re being paid so much. It’s just a movie, what’s the harm?

The harm is that stupidity and laziness in almost any other field is completely unacceptable. Imagine if architects were paid regardless if the building they helped create stood for decades or they were as reliable as the Springfield monorail. Or if a doctor could charge you thousands of dollars for a checkup only for them to walk into an exam room, take one look at you and say “you’re fine” and leave (oh, and then you die from some easily diagnosable and treatable disease)? That’s the equivalent of Michael Bay getting paid millions of dollars for this incredible piece of shit he calls a movie career.

So I may sound as bitter right now, and yes I’m fucking bitter. I’m bitter and angry. I’m no saint or the smartest person in the world and am prone to doing stupid things and being amused easily - but never for more than just a few moments. Human beings are intelligent creatures and it makes me mad that so many choose to think the opposite. They allow people like Bay to feed them garbage and they eat it up happily when there’s the equivalent of a five star restaurant just a few feet away for the same price.

We should all be ashamed.