There are oh so many reasons why I should being tearing my hair out as a Wizards fan, but I’m not. Why? Because I’ve never been so invested in this team as to have really been happy had they one an NBA title.

Gilbert Arenas and his recent brilliant stroke of lunacy has had me more entertained than a thousand championships ever would. I mean, just look at the guy!

Sure, we’ll never come to understand who Gilbert Arenas really is or who he wants to be and the who millionaire athletes with golden gun accessories is a bit insane, but it’s not like anyone got hurt, right? It’s not like there’s a dead body somewhere as a result of this.

All it is is one completely insane and entertaining basketball player tempting the his fate with his team, his league and his career in the most ludicrously incredible way possible.

My only regret is that this team will never be renamed “The Bullets” after this. Oh well.

Top Ten Lists are bullshit.

Here’s mine.

Best Movies (in no particular order):

1. Star Trek
2. District 9
3. Up
4. Inglorious Basterds
5. Avatar
6. The Hangover
7. Defiance
8. Zombieland
9. Partly Cloudy
10. Bruno
11. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
12. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

Bad Movies I sat through (in the sake of fairness, let’s say they all suck equally):

1. Adventureland
2. Sex Drive
3. Bolt. Wait, that didn’t come out this year. Whatever.
4. X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Movies that I know are complete crap even though I haven’t seen them (and never will):

1. Transformers 2
2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
3. Land of the Lost
4. Dragonball Evolution
5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
6. 2012
7. The Twilight Saga: New Moon
8. Angels & Demons
9. The Proposal
10. G-Force
11. He’s Just Not That Into You
12. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
13. Obsessed
14. Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood
15. Old Dogs
16. Couples Retreat
17. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
18. I hope they serve beer in hell

Movies I haven’t seen that look interesting:

1. Moon
2. Invictus
3. Hurt Locker
4. Watchmen
5. Where the Wild Things Are
6. Drag Me to Hell
7. Coraline
8. Sherlock Holmes
9. The Road
10. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
11. Up In the Air
12. Precious
13. Next Day Air
14. Sunshine Cleaning

Great Music (no particular order or genre or medium):

1. The Blueprint 3 - Jay-Z
2. Modern Times - TBC Brass Band
3. No Place Like Home - Soul Rebels Brass Band
4. Rebirth Brass Band live at the Maple Leaf every Tuesday night.
5. New Orleans Jazz Fest
6. Wednesdays at Lafayette Square
7. In the Mood for Life - Wax Tailor
8. The Estatic - Mos Def
9. …for the Whole World to See - Death
10. The Black Keys (saw them twice this year, awesome).
11. New Orleans second lines

Great Television:

1. Mad Men
2. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
3. South Park
4. The Office
5. 30 Rock
6. Californication
7. Dexter
8. Curb Your Enthusiasm
9. The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
10. Better Off Ted

Good Television:

1. Top Gear
2. Modern Family
3. Top Chef
4. Community
5. Parks & Recreation
6. How I Met Your Mother

Top Sports Stuff

1. Tiger Woods slaying all those ho’s
2. Alexander “The Great” Ovechkin
3. Chris Paul (when he’s not injured)
4. The Saints (before they lost to Dallas)
5. Super Bowl XLIII
6. Larry Fitzgerald
7. Barcelona
8. Lionel Messi
9. Wimbledon Final

Funnest Video Games

1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
2. Call of Duty: World at War
3. New! Super Mario Bros. Wii
4. FIFA 10
5. Street Fighter IV
6. Turtles in Time: Reshelled

National News Stories I Cared About:

1. Obama’s inauguration
2. Michael Jackson’s death
3. Daniel Snyder being a giant dickhole
4. The New Orleans Saints could go to the Super Bowl.

Web Sites I spend too much time on (the first 15 that come to me off the top of my head).

1. The Washington Post
2. Deadspin
3. Various porn sites
4. Slate
5. New York Magazine
6. The Awesomer
7. Geekologie
8. Reddit
9. Huffington Post
10. The Big Picture
11. Facebook
12. Look at this Fucking Hipster
13. Hulu
14. DC Sports Bog
15. Blog of New Orleans

Web Sites I Wish I Spent More Time On:

1. Glen Greenwald
2. The New Yorker
3. The Awl
4. Yahoo! Sports
5. NPR
6. Vimeo
7. Donklephant
8. McSweeny’s
9. Harper’s

Moms I want to Bang:

1. Yours

Jokes I need to Retire:

1. Mom jokes
2. Racist jokes
3. Cripple jokes
4. Poor jokes
5. Asian jokes
6. Latino jokes
7. Albino jokes
8. White jokes
9. Red neck jokes
10. Ghetto jokes
11. Jokes about crippled animals
12. Dead baby jokes
13. Dead puppy jokes
14. Still-born panda jokes
15. Holocaust jokes
16. Jokes recycled from TV or Movies

The idea to do this really bubbled up in my mind when I read this article a couple of years ago in the always excellent DC Sports Bog about a lucky, lucky man whose girlfriend bought him a custom Gilbert Arenas Nationals jersey. After all, hasn’t it been the plight of many a DC fan that, while their favorite teams wallow in misery they come to love players in sports they usually wouldn’t follow?

Or something like that.

This is what I know. The Redskins absolutely stink right now. I’m dreading their game against the Eagles tonight and I’m dreading the off season which I’m convinced will be usher in either the Mike Shanahan or Jon Gruden era in D.C. It’s hard to root for a team when you all-but know that there will be a completely different group of players and coaches in place the next season — and we’re not even half way through the current one.

Well, with my Portis jersey (which I proudly purchased a T.J. Maxx for the grand total of $20) collecting dust, I finally decided to pull the proverbial trigger and get me a jersey that I not only can be proud of, but will be relevant and last me for at least another decade (thanks, Ted Leonsis).

Also thanks to Eastern Motors for some inspiration. I think Ovie would definitely help the Skins out if he traded his skates for cleats.

I was standing on the balcony of my new apartment and caught a glimpse of this in the empty lot across the street. Looks like Banksy to me but I think I’m the first post a picture online. It’s by this stencil artist named Priest, not to be confused with Banksy. Regardless, it’s awesome and reason #609818650981234 I love this friggin’ city.

I kept putting off posting for a bit and all 12 of my imaginary readers must be wondering where I am. Well, I’m a lot of places right now because I’m moving. But that’s not all. I’m also working in different places. Where, oh where will I be next?

Not even I know.

For now, check out my man’s photography Web site (that’s a picture he took of one of my most favorite drinking establishments). It’s the shit and so are you.

As much as it hurts me to write, I know people, many of whom I call friends, that voluntarily paid money to see Transformers 2. I have not. I didn’t pay to see the first Transformers, either (I borrowed my friend’s DVD) but still regret seeing it. That’s why, even if a free opportunity presents itself, I will not now, nor ever, see Transformers 2. Same will likely go with any Michael Bay movie that comes out.

Now this could be a semi-sophisticated rant on why I’ll never watch Transformers 2, but I just don’t feel that’s enough. And while enough people have already seen this movie to make it a legitimate summer blockbuster, I’ll still pose the argument that no one should see it. Ever. Stupidity and the lowest common denominator shouldn’t be rewarded with millions of dollars. Plain and simple.

Now, as I’ve said, I have not seen this movie, so much of what I’m about to say relies on speculation, reviews of the film and this handy FAQ. Forgive me if I make any inaccurate statements about the plot (if you could consider this movie’s progression a plot) but don’t let it distract you from the essence of what I’m saying — of which I have such great conviction as to put in writing on the internet for potentially dozens of people to ignore.

My first point has to do with everything the first Transformers and, as far as I can tell, its sequel lack: plot and good writing. As a writer myself, I take offense when someone like Michael Bay (who apparently has no use for even the most basic writing tools like spell check) gets paid millions and millions of dollars for confusing explosions for plot devices and storyline. Bad writing - whether it be a screenplay, a speech or book - makes people stupid. Why? Because people who pay money to watch a movie or read a book are under the assumption that the people that wrote these works know what they’re doing. After all, how is it that they’re making a living at writing if they were bad at it? So people pay money to see a movie like Transformers and take the completely backwards story as something that could be considered plot. This is a problem.

Moreover, think of all the good, smart, hard working people that don’t have a fraction of the money thrown at Michael Bay. I’m not saying that Michael bay is a bad person or stupid or doesn’t work hard. Surely he could be none of those things - or all of them - but that’s certainly not reflected in his most recent films. No, his most recent films suggest that he likes to touch himself in the editing room as he watches explosion after explosion consume the screen. When writing a script, Bay is not thinking of how to drive a story or keep audiences on their toes, he’s just progressing characters between settings and fireballs. If Michael Bay had directed Apollo 13, no doubt he would’ve blown up the fucking moon.

“But this is a summer blockbuster,” you may say. “Summer blockbusters are supposed to be stupid, mindless exercises.” To you I say, not all summer blockbusters are equal. Think Black Knight, Live Free or Die Hard, or comedies like Ricky Bobby. I film can be pure visceral fun, something to “turn your brain off” but that doesn’t give a director the right to treat you like a complete idiot. Good summer movies draw you in to fantasy worlds and slowly turn your brain off, allowing you to adapt to the fantastical world in front of you so as to make you emotionally invested in the film. You have to be willing to accept the fantasy but the writer/director/actors have to make that fantasy plausible. Apparently Bay and the rest of the Transformers cast and crew just skipped over that when putting this movie together. They said “fuck it” so I say “fuck you”.

And it’s all a shame because Transformers used to be the shit. It was always meant for marketing toys, but what children’s program wasn’t? Ren & Stimpy DVDs come with a “mature audience” warning but the show used to air on Sunday mornings and weekday afternoons on Nickelodeon because of the marketing. Everything is marketable if you do it right. The original Transformers movie killed Optimus Prime in the first act. That takes balls. Optimus is by far the most popular and well-liked Autobot. Killing him shows that the writer of the original Transformers movie respected his audience enough to think that they could handle seeing their favorite character dead before they’ve settled in their seats. By contrast, Bay kills two characters - Optimus and Shia LaBeouf - in his latest rendition and resurrects them. Two main characters being killed and almost immediately resurrected in the same movies is not good writing, it’s a lazy ploy to keep people in their seats.

And yet, people do. One explanation is that Megan Fox is hot. We all know this and so long as she’s in a movie running in slow motion it will make millions of dollars. Same goes with every really, really hot girl. That’s fine. But why waste $10 or more to watch her run around aimlessly in white jeans when there are so many other places you can find incredibly hot pictures or videos of her? Like paying for porn in the free-streaming-internet days, it defies explanation.

Another explanation is the people don’t think much of themselves and that is a fucking shame. So you see trailers for the next big explosion movie of the summer and think, “Oh, that has big fireballs and a girl with great tits and giant, killer robots, it HAS to be good.” Forget if actually is good or if it makes you think or if it actually entertains you like a great film should. Forget whether or not the director knows how to spell or if any of the actors even give a shit because they’re being paid so much. It’s just a movie, what’s the harm?

The harm is that stupidity and laziness in almost any other field is completely unacceptable. Imagine if architects were paid regardless if the building they helped create stood for decades or they were as reliable as the Springfield monorail. Or if a doctor could charge you thousands of dollars for a checkup only for them to walk into an exam room, take one look at you and say “you’re fine” and leave (oh, and then you die from some easily diagnosable and treatable disease)? That’s the equivalent of Michael Bay getting paid millions of dollars for this incredible piece of shit he calls a movie career.

So I may sound as bitter right now, and yes I’m fucking bitter. I’m bitter and angry. I’m no saint or the smartest person in the world and am prone to doing stupid things and being amused easily - but never for more than just a few moments. Human beings are intelligent creatures and it makes me mad that so many choose to think the opposite. They allow people like Bay to feed them garbage and they eat it up happily when there’s the equivalent of a five star restaurant just a few feet away for the same price.

We should all be ashamed.

Would you look at that fucking thing? It’s huge. It’s big and it’s bulky. The keys are made out of rubber and I’m not so sure you can even store numbers in there. This is from back in the day, when if you wanted to call someone, you had to actually remember their number. Do you remember that? Ah, memories. I bet it even has a green-and-black LED display. And there’s no way that’s fitting in your pocket. Hell, it might even fit on a belt clip. That thing is so retro.

Beautiful, ain’t it?

I could give a shit about phones today, really. That’s not going to stop me from drooling over the next big thing with a touch screen (that’s what she said). But seriously, fuck new technology. iPhones are “mobile computer that [people] occasionally use to make crappy phone calls” and every other phone just wants to be an “iPhone killer” (except for the Blackberry Storm, which seems pretty content being a fancy-looking plastic shit brick). I’ve had a Google G1 and, for all the wonder of being able to play silly games and using it as a level or currency converter, I’ve already broken the touch screen. Twice. $140 to fix.

I bet that phone up there could be used as a small projectile and still make phone calls after. I bet you can use it ward away thieves or to knock-out unsuspecting guards on the way to your nemesis’ secret lair. That thing is rugged.

It started with predictive games like worm and Pac-man. That shit seemed fun at the time, but it’d kill the battery too quickly for you to enjoy them. But then it got complicated with voice activated dialing, which no one I know uses, and then predictive text. There’s nothing worse with predictive text. My first phone to have it was the “Razor”. It would predict that I meant to type “idiosyncratic” — because that’s such a commonly texted word — when I just wanted to call someone an “idiot”. My current phone tries to complete the word “still” by combing it with the word “born.” Believe me, that’s something you want to tell someone in person - or at least with words coming out of your mouth.

Phones today can Twitter and Facebook and be an internet radio and tell jokes and be a mirror and surf the Web and take up your time in a million different ways. People debate whether it’s OK to go down to your phone and start texting while someone is trying to hold a conversation with you. It’s not OK. It’s OK to text people when you’re alone. It’s OK to play games when you’re, say, waiting for your plane to board or stuck in line at the Post Office. It’s not OK to keep flipping your phone (especially if “flipping” involves some sort of “clacking” noise) when you’re at dinner or talking to friends or while you’re supposed to be driving. Why? Aside from it making you look like an inconsiderate, reckless douche bag? Because life is what goes on around you, not in that shiny little device in your hands.

That big hunk of plastic up there? All it could do was make phone calls. Once you made a phone call, you’d hang up. If you didn’t have someone else to call, that was it, no more cell phone for you. You had to talk to interact with people face to face. I heard (or may have just made up that) you can open garage doors with your phones. We’re putting garage door opener companies out of business. And what happens if you lose your phone? Well I guess you can’t talk to anybody and you can’t get into your house. Oh yea, good luck tweeting that without your phone.

You can watch movies on your phone now, too. Because why watch “The Dark Knight” — which was shot with the biggest fucking cameras in the world, by the way — on bigger than a 2 1/2″ x 4″ screen? People (none that I know, but I can assume) say that it’s good for watching movies on a plane. Last I checked, airlines took care of that long ago? Don’t like the in flight movie? Use your laptop. That has an actual screen built in. Seriously, check it out.

Some people like having everything in their life in the palm of their hand. To them I say, your life is devoid of substance. People don’t fit in phones and neither do pets nor emotions nor everything that makes us whole as human beings. You think because you got the latest hot shit your life is going to suck any less? Your relationships are going to get more meaningful? You’re not going to be as lonely and insecure? No. You get that shit by turning off your phone (or putting it on vibrate for important calls, I admit those tend to happen) and actively participating in the world you live in.

Everyone’s got an opinion and rushing to see who can write or blog or text or tweet it the fastest.

“Rest in Peace.” “A legend.” “He get’s a pass for all the craziness.” “…wow… :,-(”

We’re all sad, we’re all mourning and we all put on a CD and sing “Thriller” and “Bad” and “Billie Jean” like we’re kids again and there was no reason to fear him. Oh yea, he went crazy. But that doesn’t matter for a moment. Then we’re all rushing to see who can make the funnies joke or snark or message board post or photoshop.

“The real Michael died 15 years ago.” “Finally, are playgrounds are safe.” “I hope he doesn’t come back as a Thriller zombie.” “[Photoshop of Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett as Thriller zombies]”

I’m sure the McMahon and Fawcett deaths have rocked their fans and all the people that came of age watching Johnny Carson and “Charlie’s Angles.” But they’re not Facebooking or Tweeting their emotions, if at all (unless it’s to talk about Michael, too, and the whole “dead celebrities come in threes” thing).

Does anyone remember what is was like before the Web became everyone’s streetcorner; everyone’s way of speaking their minds and bearing their emotions? I seem to remember hearing about famous people dying on the news or on the radio on the way to school and I’d have to actually talk to people in person or on the phone.

Nowadays, TMZ (!) breaks news and it’s followed by a rush of electronic emotion. Static and distant yet instantaneous and sincere. We open up to the world around us because we see everyone doing it too. One use to measure a person’s worth by the amount of people that showed up to his funeral. Now it’s the number of tweets about them within an hour of their death.

I watch cartoons still. A lot. I saw Up, Wall-E (twice) and loved Kung-Fu Panda so much I bought it on DVD. I still watch it ever now and again. As a kid, I watched nothing but cartoons (thank you early Cartoon Network). I loved every one of them. Every Hanna-Barbara, every Merry Melodies and Looney Tunes and every single caper show where a group of teenagers solve mysteries with their talking [insert animal or vehicle here]. Don’t get me started on Disney/Pixar movies. Thought most of them came out when I was in middle school or older, I had already discovered The Simpsons and felt like God had given me the OK to watch cartoons well into and past adolescence. Like I said I still watch cartoons today. And it’s awesome.

Now say what you will, but cartoons are amazing. They can be smart, funny, moving, dramatic, beautiful, thrilling and artistic all at once. Remember that scene in Wall-E when he gets suck in the escape pod but makes it out and then he and Eve do an interstellar dance? If you can’t appreciate art like that, you need to look desperately for your inner child and save him from whatever well he’s stuck in.

I know a girl who makes fun of me for watching cartoons. This is funny because I thought most girls get cartoons, if only because they can be exceedingly cute. But this girl stands firm when she says “I don’t watch cartoons.” I stand firm that she’s an idiot. So is anyone else who dismisses cartoons because they’re animated or targeted to children.

Cartoons — the good ones, anyway — are accecisble to everyone. You know why Pixar always bring in the bank? Not because kids like them, but because their parents do. When parents like a movie as much as kids, they’ll be more willing to take kids for repeat views and more willing to buy a DVD. Everybody wins.

Of course, adults don’t have to have kids to enjoy cartoons and I wish that most adults would watch great cartoons on their own (or in groups, just without kids). And I’m not talking about college students getting baked and watching Ren and Stimpy (though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that), I mean real adults with real jobs and real responsibilities should take time out of your day to watch a great cartoon.

Shoot, even read a great children’s book. I recommend The Phantom Tollbooth or Alice in Wonderland. Both are intelligent children’s books, ones that don’t talk down to their audience or think children are a bunch of dribbling idiots with no coherent thoughts. Kids can understand far more than we give them credit for and, to that extent, great children’s books can teach adults more than they thought they could know.

Hell, definitely read a great children’s book; it’s more mentally stimulating.

“But it’s not just learning things that’s important. It’s learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters.” - The Princess of Rhyme, The Phantom Tollbooth

Photo by Jonathan Bachman

I don’t sleep half as much as I should. Same goes for writing. I sit, dick around on the same dozen Web sites looking for something, anything, to get me going. As if reading something about the NBA Finals or some argument for or against Obama’s policies in the Middle East is going to light a spark in my brain and <poof!> here comes the next F. Scott Fitzgerald! Cept he’s Latino and he writes on the internet only every so often for little if no pay and has bags under his eyes.

Almost as if he doesn’t get enough sleep…

It’s not like I don’t try. I lie in bed and close my eyes and try to think of nothing in particular. Sometimes I try to meditate or just try to count to 10 in my head without being interrupted by stray thoughts (try it sometime, it’s much harder than you think). I try masturbating or making up some dream for myself. I try looking for the coolest part of the bed or wrap myself completely in my sheets or use my dog as a body pillow — he usually pulls away before I can get to sleep.

Dogs have it so easy. They fall asleep and wake up just like that. It’s cause they don’t have anything to to really, no commitments, no responsibilities. I think to much about what I have to do and what I want to do. I’m not worried, just excited. There’s so much to do and so many ways to do it. But I probably spend more time reading about other people doing things in cool new ways than doing it myself.

Or do I?

Brass band documentary starts filming soon. Got a couple of stories coming up for Gambit and a part time job covering the courts. Every day is a struggle to spend enough energy to go to sleep so tired that I can’t think anymore. Sometimes that’s hard. It’s very exciting to live in New Orleans.